LovesEternalMuse

I moved my first bit of stuff into my new place...it felt good. I blessed it about a week ago in hopes of ridding myself and my quarters of negative people, negative energy, pain, foul intent, and other yucky things. I'm sooooo ready to move out of this place...this space. It just isn't safe anymore and it hasn't been since October 30, 2005...actually before then. At any rate, I exercised some demons this year and made my apartment feel like safety and I still know that there is still an element of danger involved with living here. I can sleep through the night now though...no more reliving real-life nightmares...conquering sleep, yeah, that was a challenge and I made it happen...now it's time to leave.

Question: Why is it that when people have done wrong, they rarely come to you on the humble (willing to take the lashes, embarrassment, well deserved scorn they earned outright)? I never quite understood why people have such difficulty saying out loud, in public, and truly meaning, "I apologize. I was wrong. I will do anything to make this situation right. Not for me, but for you because I injured you..." That question is recurring for me. I haven't found the answer yet. What makes that difficult? Why is it so taboo to admit your mistakes and accept that you should have done better by someone (mama, dad, brother, boss, queen, king, friend...whatever)? I don't get it...being wrong is only bad when you don't correct or learn from your mistake, you don't admit wrong doing, you ignore your participation in the wronging, and you don't help to undo pain you've inflicted on the person/people you've wronged...Now, that's just wrong...

My play play nephew said something to me today that I'm gonna share...he asked me, "Why are you leaving?" I said, "Because I need to get away from negative energy in my apartment." He said, "What negative energy happened to you there?" I said, "Somebody hurt me." He said, "How'd they get in?" I said, " I gave them a key...figuratively and literally." He said, "Don't give your keys to mean people...they aren't your friends. If mean people know where you live, you should live by us...it's safe here..." I said, "Yeah, I would like that...safe is good. Safe rocks...and I like rocks!"

I went to a house warming over the weekend...it was a lot of fun and I held a baby. The baby supposedly never goes to anyone other than his mama and daddy...He came to me!!! He tried to feed me bananas and put his hand down my shirt...I felt special. lol! I'm actually really enjoying children these days...one of my babies at my job wrote me a note that said, I love you Miss Ayana!" and she drew a little picture on it. She slid it to me while I was lying on the stage during their play rehearsal...Awww...who woulda thought? I'm a child person...when the heck did that happen?

I know this girl, she got pregnant by this guy after they broke up. He mistreated her. She was gonna tell him, then she found out that he had a new girlfriend that he was hiding from her...that along with all the other things going on in her life made her lose the baby. She never told anyone...that amazes me. That women can go through so much and do it quietly...still smiling. She smiles all the time still...I just sit and wonder how she does it as I write her lullaby's that will break her fall.

I'm kinda tired now...it's been a long few days. More packing to be done and then I'm gone...adios, ciao, arrivaderci, peace...

Sending light and juicy love to my lovely loves...kisses, hugs, kugs...

Ayana