LovesEternalMuse

This song has made me remember a part of myself that had taken a hiatus...welcome back

Soldier
By Erykah Badu

mmmmm
see he's organized
and he's on the ball
never miss a day of school
and he's a underdog
wanna learn more and more
cuz his mama taught him good
He's about to change the face
of yo ghetto neighborhood
walking to school today
saw a brother on the streets
seem like errthang was cool
cept the brother's packing heat
oop oop
then everything changed
cuz he saw his own wings
and his mother was sad
they will last
time will past
cuz I

What am I talkin' bout
errbody know what dis song's about
dey be trying to hide the history
but they know who we are
DO OO you want to see
errybody rise to this degree?
raise ya hands high if you agree
just say Yessireeee ooooh,
yessiree
if you agree say,
yessireeeeee ooooohh,
yessiree
Ugh
come on
ugh
Break it down say
mmmm, mmhhh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, aaaye
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey

now to my folks think dey living sweet,
well dey gone fuck around and push delete
to the girls on perscriptions pills,
i know how ya feel
to my boys in iraqi fields
this aint no time to kill
to my girls in therapy,
see imma tell you this fo' free
to my folks up on the hill,
with the cake and dollar bills,
you need to watch da dirty cop
dey the one you need to watch
im talking bout the dirty cop
dey the one you need to WATCH
STOP

you get the wake up call
when you saw the buildings fall
bowties with the final call
get ya money dollar bill yall
bowties with the final calls
get ya money dollar bill yall

to my folks on the picket line
dont stop til you change dey mind
I got luv fo' my folks
baptized when the levy broke
we gone keep marchin' on
until you hear dat freedom song
and if you think about turning back
i got the shotgun on ya back
and if you think about turning back
i got the shot gun on ya back
BLLAAAA (BLAT!)

what am I talking bout
errbody know what dis song's about
dey be trying to hide the history
but they know who we are
Dooooo you want to see
errybody rise to the NEXT degree?
raise ya hands high if you agree
just say Yessireeee ooooh,
yessiree
if you agree say,
yessiree hey,
yessiree aye

hey,hey,hey
Break it down say
mmmm, ooooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey hey

mmmm, ooooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey hey (shoop)
mmmm, oooh
hey aye

So, this song has made me groove beyond just a head nod these days...so...here it is...

Master Teacher
By Erykah Badu

(dreams, dreams, dreams)

I am known to stay awake
(a beautiful world im
trying to find)
A beautiful world im
trying to find
(a beautiful world, im
trying to find)
I've been in search of myself
(a beautiful world) a
beautiful world
It's just too hard for me to find
(dreams, dreams)
Said it's just too hard
for me to find
(dreams, dreams)
I am in the search of
something new
(a beautiful world im
trying to find)
Searchin' me,
Searching inside of you
And that's fo' real

What if it were no niccas
Only master teachers?
I stay woke (dreams dreams)
What if there was no niccas
Only master teachers?
I stay woke (dreams dreams)
What if it was no
niccas only master
teachers now?
I stay woke (dreams dreams)
(what if there was no
niccas only master
teachers now?)
I stay woke (dreams dreams)

Even if yo baby
ain't got no money
To support ya baby, you
(I stay woke)
Even when the preacher
tell you some lies
And cheatin on ya
mama, you stay woke
(I stay woke)
Even though you go
through struggle and strife
To keep a healthy
life, I stay woke
(I stay woke)
Everybody knows a black
or white, there's
Creatures in every
shape and size
(I stay woke)

Everybody
(I stay woke)
Everybody, stay
(I stay woke)
Get everybody
(I stay woke)
Everybody body baby
(a beautiful world, a
beautiful world)
(dreams, dreams)
(a beautiful world, a
beautiful world)
(dreams, dreams)
(a beautiful world, a
beautiful world) im
trying to find
(a beautiful world, a
beautiful world) im
trying to find
(a beautiful world, a
beautiful world) im
trying to find

I have lone to stay awake
A beautiful world im
trying to find
(a beautiful world im
trying to find)
See, I am insearch of myself
(a beautiful world, im
trying to find)
Ooh it's just too hard
for me to find
(a beautiful world, a
beautiful world)
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/VeuN ]
Said it just too hard
for me to find
(dreams, dreams, dreams)
Cuz i'm in the search
of something new
(a beautiful world im
trying to find)
Search inside me
Searching inside you
And that's the trill

What if there was no niccas
Only master teachers?
(I stay woke)
What if there was no niccas
Only master teacher?
I stay woke)
What if there was no niccas
Only master teachers now?
(I stay woke)
What if there was no niccas
Only master teacher?
(I stay woke)
Noo, what if there was no niccas
Only master teachers?

What if there was niccas
Only master teachers now

Teach us, teach us
teach us [fade]

What if there was
niccas only master
teachers now [fade]

I stay woke [fade]

I stay woke
Mmmm, hey
I stay woke

1, 2
1, 2, 3, 4

Baby sleepy time
To put her down now
Ill be standin' round
Till da sun down

I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke

Congregation knod they head
And say amen
The deacon fell alseep again and

I stay woke
But I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke

Lovers holding hands
And falling deep in love
And sleeping and
Passing conversation

Ooh, I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke

Pretty rings and pretty thieves
With shiny lights and little
Pieces of tomorrow

I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke
I stay woke

Oh ah, oh ah
I stay woke
Oh ah, oh ah
I stay woke
Oh ah, oh ah I stay
Oh ah, oh ah
Ohh I stay
Oh ah, oh ah
Oh ah, oh ah

Baby sleepy time
To put her down and
I'll be standin round
Until sun down, hey

Oh ah, oh ah
Oh ah, oh ah
Oooooh, ooooh, ooooh
(oh ah, oh ah)
I stay woke
(oh ah, oh ah)
Mmmm stay woke
(oh ah, oh ah) I stay
(oh ah, oh ah)
I stay woke, I
(oh ah, oh ah)
I stay woke, yes I do
(oh ah, oh ah)
I stay woke
(oh ah, oh ah)
Mmmmm, mmmmmmm yea
(oh ah, oh ah)
Stay woke
(oh ah, oh ah)
I stay woke

I was thinking about what lyrics I needed to place here and I couldn't think of a song that represented where I was on a lot of stuff. I was thinking of songs that represented how I wanted people to be towards me, how I wanted this world to be, what I saw for the future, reminded me of the good and bad of my past and I just couldn't come up with a song that spoke to how I was feeling. I was watching some old live performance and I heard this song...I heard it today and I knew it deserved to be here on my blog. This song represents where I am in terms of how I feel about my desire to have a partner who will allow me to love them...So, I've been feeling like this for about a year or so...


Ready for Love
By India Arie


I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

This song is somewhat of a strength chant for me. It's a song of perseverance, Black folk, faith, trust, and personal accountability for me...I absolutely love this song. One of my favorite songs of all time.


The Heat
By Angie Stone

Hope this is enough said
Ain't got time for you, I'm makin' up my own bed
Hope this don't offend you
Yes, I'm salty and I got an attitude
I've been saving up soul like a field rat
Keepin' up by stashing funk in my backpack
Watching other's slide back on politics
Guess to know the game is to know the tricks

If you can't stand the heat, get out the kitchen
If you can't stand, stand the heat get out the kitchen

Ooooooh....Oh no, listen
Went to church on Sunday mornin'
On my knees while I was prayin'
Askin' God for the strength to
To just keep on winning (He said)
Just keep your soul sacred and store your knowledge safely
Your heart is good as gold, I got you in my fold

And if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen
If you can't stand the heat...

This song is on one of my favorite albums of all time...it touches on some great moments in my life that I had difficulty expressing. This particular song has played often in my place when I finally have to shut my doors, burn my incense, candles, and oil, turn off my phones and the television and clean house...literally and figuratively. I think of 20 dollars symbolically, I guess...20 dollars equates to my energy, my love, my time, my friendship, my thoughts, my support, my orange being that I give when it's requested and seemingly needed and sadly not usually reciprocated...I love this song...it speaks for me in that sense


20 dollars
By Angie Stone

Whatcha know about being po'
Whatcha know about borrowin'
From the neighbor next door
Whatcha know about bummin' rides
Whatcha know about havin', ta swallow yo' pride

What do you do when you're through
When you're always helping people and
Nobody's there for you, come on now
What can I do or say
When you constantly standing in my face
Talkin' about

(Chorus)
Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat

Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat

(Verse)
Now I'm suppose to take from the child, oh Lord
Make it harder on me just to make it worth your
while
Now honey, I don't think so
Cuz you ain't paid me back the ten-spot
From three weeks ago, uh ho ho, no

What do you do when you're through
When you're always helping people and
Nobody's there for you (Tell me)
What can I do or say
When you constantly staring in my face
Talkin' about

Chorus)
Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat

Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat


Tell me
What have you done for me
Besides bein' too busy, busy, busy
Stressin' me constantly
Oh Oh Whoa yeah, Now I, now I, now I
I can see where your head is at
Ahaa, See I only got 20 dollars
And you still want half of that
Whoa oh Whoa Woo hoo ooo Yeah!


Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat

Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
(WHAT check you gon' get next week?)
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat
(I don't remember you havin' a job lately)

Can you loan me 20 dollars
'Till I get my check next week
(Gerald told me the other day you see)
Said I only got 20 dollars
And me and my baby got to eat
(You borrowed 10 from him and 2 from Sue
and I said "I ain't GOT no money")
Can you loan me 20 dollars
(I work too hard for mines)
'Till I get my check next week
(Baby!...
Said I only got 20 dollars
I suggest you... get it together)
And me and my baby got to eat

Well...
I'm a species so rare the human eye's hardly seen
A thin line between divine and killing machine
A dark side of the light that no one should ever see
Oh, I feel for the foolish for fucking with me
There is a war inside me but the water is still
You'll be safer every time assuming it will,
But to lose my composure I don't normally do,
I just thought that you should know
I've been sicker than you

You don't know me
A record can't tell ya
Uh-oh, I'm the Great Pretender
(repeat)

You say you want my pain,
My own personal pain
A lot hurt, heartache, and hard times it's hard to explain
I can feel the anger starting to happen again
I'd bust your head and break your brain for five minutes of fame
A-ha ha
My heart beats with unconditional love
But beware of the blackness that it's capable of
Oh yeah, Oh yeah
You got to travel the road of a troubled soul
I'm trying so hard not to lose control
Oh yeah, Oh yeah

You don't know me
A record can't tell ya
Uh-oh, I'm the Great Pretender
(repeat)

They said in life you shouldn't worry
Just got to let the wind blow
Ha, ha, ha
You see every day I'm struggling
For the strength to let it go
Ha, ha, ha

You don't know me
A record can't tell ya
Uh-oh, I'm the Great Pretender
(repeat)


Medieval Times (Great Pretender)~~~Cee-Lo

Every year around this time I start to REALLY miss hip-hop...I miss how it use to make me feel. I love those brief moments of elation and tingling that rush through me whenever I put on one of my favorite tracks from when hip-hop was fly...it was/is/will be my soundtrack to life...*sigh*...Days past would be filled with this song...I used to want to change the "l" in the girl's name to a "y"...that way, the song would have my name in it...this song WAS about me!

Yo . . .

This beautiful blend,
I knew her through a mutual friend,
she was a work of art, part of my heart from back then,
a brown skin singer witha knack, for actin',
Alana's soul attraction,
just fractionally based on surface,
I got into her mental on purpose,
and with alertness as I flirt with her emotion,
walls we built up out of nervousness was broken,
I reminisce on how this Black Thought had her open
with the energy that got the whole summertime smokin',
very hypnotized,
when it was time we spent time,
it's no way to rewind or prevent time from slippin' away like day,
into the dark and the way that things fall apart,
will make some start to feel more,
weak or insecure,
but for whatever reason our relationship remained mature,
even when she caught feelin's 'cuz I stay on tour,
as I reflect on before and recap, the situation,
I guess, from experience, comes education,
we set on a path to opposite destinations it's best,
to chalk it up and add it to the elevation than eventually
flow off, to lost communication,
I called,
but lost all information,
and with time forgot it,
it's not like I'm all in tears about it,
but the fact of the matter remains that I miss the Hypnotic

You're my shinin' star,
no matter where you are,
for the world to see,
what you truly be,
You're my shinin' star,
no matter where you are,
for the world to see,
what you truly be,
what you truly be

Yo, she was the Hypnotic,
and potent as a narcotic,
the bizarre logic of it all,
is why the clock tick, pages of the calendar flip,
we can't stop it,
time will either tell the tale or turn a love toxic,
now was she real,
or an illusion of this optical confusion with
the accent of Ancient Egypt,
or could it be that she's the one I was supposed to be with
and together walk this twisted, staircase to something realistic,
damn, her lips havin' me addicted to her presence,
front page material on Essence, a queen,
imperial before her adolescence,
amd as she grew into a woman she became refined,
I never knew another like her in my lifetime,
so now I travel through a tunnel of space,
without a place, on the face of this earth,
with this pain gettin' worse,
drivin' me insane or atleast I'm touchin' the brink,
of sanity to think of how I can link, or contact her,
I was a fool before but more wise after the fact,
I'm analyzin' how I'm wantin' her back,
and wonderin' exactly where she could be on the map,
I'm just sittin' here spinnin' the world on one finger,
reoccuring thoughts of this brown skin singer,
Yo, the psychotic, the hypnotic,
Yo check it out, the most melodic Hypnotic

(4x)
You're my shinin' star,
no matter where you are,
for the world to see,
what you truly be...

"The Hypnotic" (remix)~~~The Roots

This has gotten me through many rough days...

Got these feet
in these shoes
they walked a mile or two,
got these legs
they've done work
that's left them black and blue,
got these hips
they are wide
but they know how to move,
got these hands
to lift the weak
or slap down a racist fool

{chorus}
This is all I
this is all I got

Got this place
I call my home
but it's no Taj Mahal,
got these pockets
they ain't full grown
but I won't steal from no one,
got this heart
well it's been broke
but it's beating strong,
got this song
it ain't much
but it helps me carry on

{chorus}

Got a will
that lifts me up
when my body can't
got a way
of getting' through
with no helping hands
got a mind
that lends me strength
so I ain't afraid to stand
got a love
so deep in me
can't be stopped by any man

"All I Got" ~~~ Amel Larrieux

Disaster fatigue: A sense of hopelessness and frustration from dealing with the stress of multiple disasters. Includes signs of apathy, numbness, and denial.

I was in my Sociology of Gender class today and the phenomenon of disaster fatigue was brought up. We were discussing our responsibility, or lack thereof, to those individuals who are oppressed and exploited for us to live the privileged lives that we live. The actual question asked was:

What responsibility (if any) do we as consumers have for the conditions under which the workers (mainly women) manufacture our clothing, shoes, other items?

One of my classmates (Caucasian, lesbian, woman) stated that she suffered from disaster fatigue. She felt that there were so many disasters occurring that she felt overwhelmed. She felt that her not buying from the Gap or her not giving her few dollars to institutions that support capitalist, racist and/or sexist ideologies would NOT make a difference. Her view was that she did not feel that she alone could make a difference.

Okay, people....this is me...PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of foolishness is that?!?!?! I was rendered speechless when she said this! At first, I couldn't believe that a WOMAN would allow that to come out of her mouth! As a member of a marginalized group of individuals who has been "otherized" by masculinist, heterosexual, capitalist, hegemony and discourse, it is our duty to challenge oppression in any way that we can. I think it is totally irresponsible and unacceptable for a member of an "other" group to think that acts of resistance or revolution on ANY level isn't making a difference! What if the women or the Afrikan descendent people living in America of our past had thought that way? Would you even be able to sit your privileged self in an institution sharing your thoughts or your disturbing view of agency among other intellectuals? RESISTANCE IS RESISTANCE! RESISTANCE BRINGS CHANGE! I have to believe this! It may not bring change on a structural level in a large and noticeable way while we're breathing, but it can start to make way for a space where our seeds can live this life we dream about, this world dripping with equality across race lines, gender lines, sexuality lines, religious lines, etc.

It sickens me to think that people are here taking up space and energy without living their lives resisting in any way that they can! Why are you here? I've seen and heard of honorable and revolutionary soldiers dying, who would have given anything to be here and still fighting for us, and here YOU go! Given life and breath to make a change and wasting your opportunity to play a part in improving the world we live in. Now granted, sometimes it's difficult to do so because you aren't aware of how you CAN resist AND if you really want to be a part of the solution, FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN! I'm not saying you have to not buy your children's clothes, but I AM saying that if you know the GAP is paying women and children $.10 an hour to make clothing, DON'T spend your dollars there! If you know that fireworks manufacturers are blowing off the hands and arms of women, men, and children, DON'T buy frickin' fireworks for crying out loud! Instead, spend the money that you would spend there on something supporting the debunking of these money-making monsters that support unequal power relations! Just don't sit there and say that your "little" act of resistance won't matter and then continue to do nothing! Just a suggestion...

Sigh...

I thought about it some more and had think about where she was coming from...She was speaking from a position of privilege. In the U.S., her skin color has afforded her the option of having that type of ideology that will not result in the destruction of her race's way of life...in general of course. Me, on the other hand, I don't have that as an option! That type of ideology will kill us...point-blank. My race cannot survive with that type of thinking. That type of ideology threatens to destroy all that I love. Because my people were involuntarily immigrated to this country, or living in colonized conditions, or being targeted by the masculinist, heterosexual, capitalist, hegemony and discourse that plagues Afrikan descendent people living in America or even in Afrika...because of all of this and reasons unmentioned, I CANNOT ADOPT DISASTER FATIGUE. I WILL NOT ADOPT DISASTER FATIGUE. I don't know what that looks like for people who look like me. My life never afforded me that view. My mama never showed me how to do that because as an Afrikan woman who loves her people, she couldn't have disaster fatigue. My dad never presented that framework. My brother never told me to give up because it doesn't matter what I do. They taught me that my life is a fight for our lives. I was taught that my fight begins with this masculinist, heterosexual, capitalist system and ends with the liberation of the minds and the bodies of my fellow Afrikans...With that said, I stopped being so upset with her and I began to pray that my people never adopt disaster fatigue as popular discourse...our lives, our seeds lives, their seeds lives depend on it...they depend on us to keep fighting...in any way we can...

Namaste...

Ayana

Yesterday, I danced my heart out for my brother for the fourth time...it was his birthday...he would have been 38 years old...

1st time: Last July...the EXCEL program

2nd time: This July...his funeral

3rd time: This July...the EXCEL program

4th time: Yesterday...his memorial service

It took a lot and I'm trying to get right about a lot of stuff surrounding his illness, his last few years, his last few months, his love for me,the pain he had to endure, his smile that I rarely saw towards the end, his pride, his messages, his presence in my dreams and in my home, his position as my mama's other half, how he felt about me being violated (I just found out that my mama told him because he could feel that something happened to me), his strength, my selfishness, how much I miss him, his excessive smacking at the dinner table, the way he could win any and every battle of wits, his wisdom and knowledge, how much smarter than I he was, how happy he was before I was born, how BIG my big brother was to me...in all senses of the word...I've always just been trying to keep up, how cold he felt when I touched his face at the viewing, how he seemed to smile when we saw his face to identify his body, how I feel him here with me...protecting me like he wanted to but couldn't because his 5'10 120-something lbs. frame wouldn't allow him to, how him working to get better by July 30th this year so that I wouldn't see him in the condition he was in when I came home for the celebration may have led to his heart stopping on July 3rd, my anger...it may take a long time for the Creator and I to be square again..I want my big brother and s/he took him before I was ready...he said he was tired and I would have fought his battle for him...I love him...I'm just starting to start dealing with this and it's gonna take a while to get right with this...it's been 6 long years of pain that I watched my big brother endure...he fought to stay here towards the end for my mama and I...I wish his body wasn't so tired...I wish I could have carried that load for him...I wish he had more time...he was too good for this world...I wish that he would have been better equipped to fend off the evils of this life so that he would have been protected by the insincerity of man...I wish I could have helped him...I wish his body, his voice, his laughter, his embrace was here for me to touch again...



Friends in this time of need:

Friend #1 - "Let me know if you need anything" and then they disappear..no phone calls...no visible sympathy

Friend #2 - "Let me know if you need anything" and they show up with the expectation that if I need them on "that level", I'll tell them...unfortunately, my needs don't always get met in our friendship because it's just not my style to let others know that I'm in need...

Friend #3 - "Do you need anything?" after I've told them that I haven't been eating, sleeping, crying, feeling...I just wander aimlessly. My thoughts when that situation occurs are, "What does it look/sound like to you? If you lost one of your closest family members and you haven't been eating, sleeping, crying, feeling and just wandering around aimlessly, I'd think you needed my help and I'd be force feeding you healthy foods, enforcing a bed time, letting you know that it's safe to cry, and urging you feel your feelings..genuinely....geeez!"... and still they hit me with another form of befriending from afar..."Let me know if you need anything"

Friend #4 - "Girl, let me tell you about my issues...." and they never ask you how you are doing...

Friend #5 - "I'm gonna make sure you're alright, baby girl" and calls almost everyday to see if I need anything, to shoot the s@#$, give laughter, to share sisterhood...like I've known it in the past

Friend #6 - "Let's go get you some peace! By any means necessary!" and they come through to sit, to listen to me, to help me get my home in order so that my mind and my heart can have a proper place to heal, they ask me how I'm doing, they hear the hard to hear truth about my brother, his condition, my pain, my anger, my confusion...my truth...

I've learned that people are just different...they give what they give and sometimes that's little to nothing at all...and sometimes it's more than I ever expected...

I spoke with a good friend of mine...she told me that I should take the positive out of all of my relationships and move forward. People are really going to show me who they are during this time and it may be time to shut a few doors AND that's okay...their season is over and there is some positive that I have received from them...take it and go...go to where I can find peace and don't look back... Thank you, Kiana...Sharp Sisterhood...This will take courage AND I will walk that suggested path...

This is going to take me a long time...if people only knew how hard I love and how much pain I saw that magnificent being endure...he was/is an angel trampled by the foul intent of those not worthy of his goodness and I am on the path to avenging my brother, his memory, my mama, and myself...they are the only lovely's that know the love that I know and its richness in my being because they themselves possess it...I feel like flying away though, but my wings are broken...they're stuck to the ground where blood stained pain floats in front of my eyes and ties me to the ugly in this world...I want to get away and I can't...I have nowhere to go that's safe anymore...who knows me like he does? Who knows me like my mama does? Who knows me enough to know that I am in serious need? Who knows me well enough to know that I want to rejoice in the fact that he is in no more pain? Who knows that right now I just can't? So many things going on in this head and heart of mine...

Others: How are you?

Me: I'm here and that's best I can do right now

I wanna be more than just here...I'm working on it and it's hard to do when the support system I thought I had around me (with a few exceptions) just isn't...not like I need them to be. I think following Kiana's words and making them my actions will assist me though...I'm gonna try this thing out...and I'm gonna push through this and fight...'Cause that's what we do, right, brother? That's what we do...

My brother died this morning...

I moved my first bit of stuff into my new place...it felt good. I blessed it about a week ago in hopes of ridding myself and my quarters of negative people, negative energy, pain, foul intent, and other yucky things. I'm sooooo ready to move out of this place...this space. It just isn't safe anymore and it hasn't been since October 30, 2005...actually before then. At any rate, I exercised some demons this year and made my apartment feel like safety and I still know that there is still an element of danger involved with living here. I can sleep through the night now though...no more reliving real-life nightmares...conquering sleep, yeah, that was a challenge and I made it happen...now it's time to leave.

Question: Why is it that when people have done wrong, they rarely come to you on the humble (willing to take the lashes, embarrassment, well deserved scorn they earned outright)? I never quite understood why people have such difficulty saying out loud, in public, and truly meaning, "I apologize. I was wrong. I will do anything to make this situation right. Not for me, but for you because I injured you..." That question is recurring for me. I haven't found the answer yet. What makes that difficult? Why is it so taboo to admit your mistakes and accept that you should have done better by someone (mama, dad, brother, boss, queen, king, friend...whatever)? I don't get it...being wrong is only bad when you don't correct or learn from your mistake, you don't admit wrong doing, you ignore your participation in the wronging, and you don't help to undo pain you've inflicted on the person/people you've wronged...Now, that's just wrong...

My play play nephew said something to me today that I'm gonna share...he asked me, "Why are you leaving?" I said, "Because I need to get away from negative energy in my apartment." He said, "What negative energy happened to you there?" I said, "Somebody hurt me." He said, "How'd they get in?" I said, " I gave them a key...figuratively and literally." He said, "Don't give your keys to mean people...they aren't your friends. If mean people know where you live, you should live by us...it's safe here..." I said, "Yeah, I would like that...safe is good. Safe rocks...and I like rocks!"

I went to a house warming over the weekend...it was a lot of fun and I held a baby. The baby supposedly never goes to anyone other than his mama and daddy...He came to me!!! He tried to feed me bananas and put his hand down my shirt...I felt special. lol! I'm actually really enjoying children these days...one of my babies at my job wrote me a note that said, I love you Miss Ayana!" and she drew a little picture on it. She slid it to me while I was lying on the stage during their play rehearsal...Awww...who woulda thought? I'm a child person...when the heck did that happen?

I know this girl, she got pregnant by this guy after they broke up. He mistreated her. She was gonna tell him, then she found out that he had a new girlfriend that he was hiding from her...that along with all the other things going on in her life made her lose the baby. She never told anyone...that amazes me. That women can go through so much and do it quietly...still smiling. She smiles all the time still...I just sit and wonder how she does it as I write her lullaby's that will break her fall.

I'm kinda tired now...it's been a long few days. More packing to be done and then I'm gone...adios, ciao, arrivaderci, peace...

Sending light and juicy love to my lovely loves...kisses, hugs, kugs...

Ayana